SquallxCloud OTP
by Zeff N Company
Summary: Silly nonsense, because we can. “I’m sorry, Zack,” she sobbed. “Cloud’s pregnant with Squall’s child.” No mpreg. Absolutely none, I promise. UPDATE: 3rd and final Chapter up and loaded...! Bonus fourth chapter now included.
1. Virginity is Overrated

_**Reading proximity-nine's latest journal entry, I stumbled upon "something ridiculously cute". Couple that with my consistent temptation to try something hopelessly adorable again after **__In Smaller Proportions__**, and I could not help myself. At all.**_

_**Any possible sequels will be left to reviewer's choice.**_

* * *

As an understatement, Zack was happy. It had been three grueling weeks of voluntary cleanup work away from Radiant Garden, but it was all worth it.

Each and every sector of Midgar had been fully restored to her former splendor…except for the slums, which were officially no longer; at a collective agreement from his fellow workers, they had seen to it that the entire area under the plate would finally have proper access to decent housing, clean water, fresh air, and – most importantly – a nice view of the clear blue sky. If Aerith had come with them, she would have loved it all to bits.

Ah yes, Aerith. Dear, sweet Aerith, and he had finally come home to her…her and his other precious treasure, of course. And at the thought of said other precious treasure, his head was in the clouds as he foresaw his reunion with those luscious locks of golden cream.

As a justified statement, Zack was elated, as he made a beeline straight for his claimed residence in Radiant Garden. Turning the knob, he swung the door open with a grand flair.

"Cloud," he sang out, as he stepped back into the familiarity of his new home. "I'm home!"

There was a silence in answer, and he was – for lack of alternative expression – confused. Still, he smiled and tried again.

"Cloud? Where are you, my little angel? Come here, baby!"

This time, he was quite certain he heard a muffled whimper from behind the closed closet door. He came forth to investigate at once, and as the closet door opened before him, he found Yuffie huddled behind the rack of coats as she hugged something furry to her chest. She seemed oblivious to his presence, as she continued to whimper something that sounded like a prayer for deliverance. He was honestly stumped.

"Uh… Yuff?"

He had to step back as the ninja shrieked and _flew_ from the closet's depths, still clutching the furry thing to her chest as another furry thing dashed out in her wake.

"Yuffie, what on-?"

"_It wasn't my fault!_" she bawled. "_I swear my innocence! I never thought it could happen; not on MY watch! It wasn't me! I did NOTHING!_"

"…_what_ wasn't your fault? Yuffie, get back here!" and Zack found himself chasing after the hysterical young girl as she continued to flee from his presence.

It was a full twenty minutes after before he finally managed to persuade her to calm down and explain herself. Now, she stood before him, still looking ready to faint dead away out of sheer fright as the furry thing she was still hugging hung from her arms.

"Alright, now can you tell me what this is about?" And Yuffie looked up at him imploringly through teary eyes.

"You promise you won't kill me?"

"I promise."

"You promise you won't kill anyone?"

"Of course! I'd never hurt a soul!"

"You promise on your promise?"

"_Yes_, Yuffie," he insisted firmly. "_Now_ tell me what's going on, will you?"

Yuffie swallowed nervously – which should have been Zack's third cue that something was seriously wrong – and she started to ramble.

"It…it happened after you left. I-I didn't even _know_ until the second week went by, and then… _I swear I had no idea! You're the one that said they were like brothers to each other, and-_"

"_Yuffie_," Zack broke in sternly, his gaze conveying that he had his foot down now. "_What happened._"

Yuffie whimpered again, and held the furry thing tighter to her chest.

"I'm sorry, Zack," she sobbed. "Cloud's pregnant with Squall's child."

And Zack's brain shut itself down for a total of five and a half seconds before it finally rebooted its systems. He reached forward, and took the furry thing away from Yuffie, holding it up as he stared blankly – and almost pleadingly – at its base.

It wiggled back at him. _Taunting_ him.

And in a flash – and an almost familiar inner voice that piped "**Activating Combat Mode**" – everything in his vision turned red.

* * *

"_SQUALL YOU STUPID PISSING BAG OF JUMPING HORMONES ON LEGS! HOW __**COULD**__ YOU!?_"

In the open door, Cloud and Leon stopped uncertainly at Zack's rather enraged outburst. As they did, two fur balls of bronze and light gold respectively bounded toward them in a hurry, the latter of the pair hopping into Cloud's arms.

"…uh…"

"What is…?"

"_COME BACK HERE, YOU MANGY COWARD!_" Zack continued to holler; he sounded near _murderous_ now. "_I SWEAR TO SHIVA, SQUALL – JUST LET ME __**SEE**__ YOU AND I'LL TAKE THIS PAIR OF HEDGE CLIPPERS TO YOU!_"

Cloud paled; in all the time he had known Zack in and out of the events of the worlds, he had known a Zack that was never quick to anger. And as they said – whoever said it, anyway – when one snaps, they snap the whole way. Tentatively, he turned to the one beside him.

"…Leonhart, did you do anything you probably should not have?"

"He's not talking about me." Leon was an expression of calm…amusement, as he looked from one fur ball to the other. Yes…he understood _perfectly_ what had gotten the older man so very mad.

"You're sure?"

"Definitely. First off, that one-" and he pointed to the fur ball in Cloud's hands, "-has gained a lot of weight since we last saw it three weeks ago."

Cloud took a more scrutinizing once-over of the furry one he held, and saw that the other was right.

"And this one here," Leon went on, looking back down at the furry bronze fellow at his feet. "Has a shit-eating grin of the likes I've never seen before."

"…puppies?"

"Puppies." And the bronze dog of mixed ancestry at Leon's feet wagged its tail, still grinning away. In Cloud's hold, the light gold purebred that was a tad on the heavy side licked the blond's nose. Cloud sighed, and released it to the floor.

"I forget how confusing it can be in this house ever since Zack came home with these two in that cardboard box, and named them after us."

"The feeling's shared."

"_YOU UNGRATEFUL SWINE!_" Zack roared again, causing both animals to duck behind Cloud and Leon's legs. "_I FED YOU! I RAISED YOU! I GAVE YOU AN EDUCATION, AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME!?_"

"…I'll just…take Squall and get out of the way," Leon managed through barely restrained laughter. "You hold on to your namesake and see if you can calm the poor man down."

"…you're just going to leave us here?" Cloud questioned, feeling rather justified as something in the house fell over with a loud "crash".

"If my name and the threat of castration are put in the same sentence, I'm not really sure if letting him see either one of us right now is a good idea," Leon answered easily. Turning, he headed back down the street with the brown dog padding after him. "We'll be in the bailey. Good luck."

And as Zack's unrestrained fury grew even louder, Cloud had an underlying feeling of betrayal.

* * *

"How could he do this to me?" Zack moaned into his hands; finally having gone from being angry to being just plain upset. "I loved him like a son, and he stole my baby boy's innocence…!"

At Zack's feet, Cloud the dog whined and pawed at its master's ankles. Seated across from them, Cloud stared at them quietly. At least now his peer was calm enough to hear reason.

"Technically, Zack, mini-me over there is a _girl_, and she's also in the family way," he informed. "If you had just listened to advice and looked up on having them 'fixed', this never would have happened."

"They were just _puppies_ only half a year ago! That peddler _said_ they were both male!" Zack protested painfully. At last, as inevitable as it would be, he turned on the ninja that was still hiding herself behind the table. "And _you_ were supposed to watch them!"

"I _was_!" Yuffie cried out in her own defense. "_You_ were the one that said they were active young males with occasional spats! I thought they were just dominance mounting!"

"You even watched them _copulate_?" and Zack howled with grief. "I can't _believe_ you! You just stood there and watched my little Cloud lose his virginity!"

"_Her_ virginity," Cloud corrected automatically, feeling rather put off at having to hear his own name in that sentence. Zack couldn't have called that confounded pregnant animal Claude, or Claudius, or Cloudy, or even just Cloud Jr. No, he had to call it _Cloud_, and the blond fighter would never live it down properly for the rest of his life. "And for pity's sake, Zack, get over it – they're _dogs_. Animals don't understand the meaning of 'safe sex' or chastity."

"But I even gave them the _talk_!"

"Which, by the looks of it, they never really needed," Cloud noted, staring down at the light golden dog's protruding belly. "And you can't stay mad at Squall forever; he was just being…well…an intact male answering a call of the wild."

"Oh _yes,_ I can," and Cloud the dog shot between Cloud's legs to disappear under the couch as a rather familiar shining metal edge appeared. "And when I find that little cur, I'll use the _sharp_ edge-"

"You put that Buster Sword away right now, Zack, before you give Cloud a miscarriage. Look – you're upsetting her."

And in a flash, Zack dropped the sword to the ground with a loud "clang", and his face was contorted with apologetic grief as he was suddenly down on hands and knees and staring under the couch in the gap between Cloud's legs.

"Cloud, baby, I'm sorry! Daddy didn't mean that!" he pleaded, and the blond fighter that was still seated on the couch prepared to nurse an impending migraine. "Come back out, angel! I can change! _I promise!_"

At last, with Cloud the dog hugged to Zack's chest as he muttered more soothing apologies into the light gold fur, did Cloud try again.

"Even if you can't forgive him yet, at least a _truce_, okay?" he instructed gently – who knew what else might set the suddenly paternal figure off. "Cloud and Squall were, after all, raised together; it would do them both good to keep it that way."

"…fine," Zack murmured grudgingly, his hands still stroking through his dog's fur methodically.

"I'll call Leonhart, and we'll watch your pets for a while. You go talk to Aerith – let her know what's going on – and _try_ to _calm down_…alright?"

"Alright…" Zack murmured again with the same reluctance as before. Cloud the dog was gently relinquished to Cloud's lap, and Zack slumped out of the house to find his girlfriend. After a while, Yuffie slipped out as well, looking more paranoid than she had ever been in her whole life.

Now alone with his pregnant namesake on his lap, Cloud pulled out his mobile, flipped it open, and dialed a memorized number.

* * *

"Thanks for saving our skins."

"You're welcome."

Currently, the two fighters were side by side, watching the dogs greet each other. Squall was nuzzling Cloud the dog rather affectionately, and at its advantageous height over the other was able to drape its head over the back of the latter's neck to lick behind its ears. Both had their tails wagging rather vigorously.

"…how long do you think this piece of news will take to reach the whole town?" At Leon's question, Cloud snorted.

"Zack's a trustworthy friend, but with him too excited to keep his mouth shut, _everyone_ will know about it. And with Yuffie to help him…I'm going for three days."

"I go for a week," Leon countered smoothly, and turned his head to look Cloud in the eye.

"What's the wager?"

"Loser buys their 'puppy preparations'. _All_ of it." Cloud grinned; this would be _cake_.

"Deal."

And as they watched their furry canine namesakes suddenly take on a whole new level of affection, Cloud felt Leon's hand sneaking its way down his back. The suddenly erotic display was setting them both off, and they both knew it. With a frustrated grunt, Cloud seized a fistful of jacket, and yanked Leon forward with force. They were now standing bare inches from one another, eyes brimming with underlying urges that had been set aside for way too long. The three weeks of stress from all the construction, the excitement of the earlier revelations, and the two now unnoticed dogs that were getting it on once again with zeal had them at their limits of endurance.

Leon was silent, waiting with a challenging glint in his stormy gray irises. Cloud was baring his teeth in a silent growl, his gloved fingers digging into the jacket's material as he met that challenge defiantly with cold blue fire.

And just like that-

"_SQUALL YOU SHAMELESS TRAITOR!_ _YOU'D BETTER NOT BE DOING WHAT I THINK YOU'RE DOING, OR I SWEAR I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND HIT YOU SO HARD-!_"

-it ended with a snap.

The two fighters jerked apart, and Squall tumbled off his mounted position behind Cloud the dog with a surprised yelp of protest. In the distance, there was the muffled sound of Aerith indignantly chastising Zack for being so paranoid. The couple could be seen in the distance, as Leon and Cloud turned to look down.

"…so…three days, you said?" and Cloud smirked at that underlying challenge that was still there.

"The night's still young."

_**

* * *

Yes. I surprise even myself with what I can come up with when I try hard enough, sometimes.**_


	2. And So Does the Stork Fly By

_**And here it is – chapter two in all her wondrous hilarity. Thanks for the support, one and all. Enjoy.**_

* * *

"Who is Daddy's little sweetheart?" Zack crooned, cradling the dog in his hands lovingly. Cloud the dog licked his nose appreciatively as he continued to coo and fawn over it. "Who's gonna have Daddy's kiddies? Is it you, Cloud? Is you gonna have lots of babies?"

"Great Odin above me, tell me my brain's not trickling out my ear like a trail of semi-melted sludge yet," Cloud moaned. In the last few minutes of listening to Zack babble nonsensically at his dog, the blond warrior felt absolutely scandalized.

Three more weeks had gone by since the fateful revelation, and in the end, Leon and Cloud had settled for a draw and divided up the costs between them; they _had_ been expecting the news that spread around, but neither had thought Yuffie would find more fun in the misunderstandings than the truth. Neither man was able to cross the marketplace without some of the workers staring at them awkwardly.

At Cloud's feet, Squall was sulking; for the past weeks Zack had refused the brown mongrel to be _anywhere_ within range of the other dog, and it was bored. And rather lonely. It groaned audibly and started to chew idly at a corner of Cloud's pant leg before it was jerked out of reach. At an indignant snort, Cloud glowered at it bitterly.

"You brought this upon yourself, mind you," he muttered. "While I have done nothing but have that…thing filled with smaller things named after me. I refuse to pity you."

A huff, and Squall left Cloud alone as both went about their respective moping. The door swung open, and Leon strode in with a toolbox in hand. He paused, took in the picture of Zack smothering his pet, and the look on his face was priceless. Two seconds later, his typical façade slipped into place, and he courteously sidestepped the babbling once-proud man to make his way across the living room.

"…where are you going?" Leon paused, and turned to answer Cloud's question.

"Aerith asked me to replace one of the pipes leading to the sewage line; it's rusted pretty badly, and about ready to explode and spew waste everywhere."

"…can I help?" the offer was unconsciously laced with a plea for escape. At an empathetic grunt, Cloud all but shot to his feet and followed the other out of the room rather hastily. It was an unanimous agreement between the both of them that – compared to listening to Zack lose his mind rather audibly – handling armfuls of filth and pipe was a reprieve.

As Zack ignored the rather recent proceedings, his attention was finally partially diverted with a single yet insistently firm tap on his shoulder.

"Zack?"

"Hmm?"

"You do remember Reno's coming to give you that report on how Midgar is doing, right?"

"…who?" at Aerith's frown of disapproval, he attempted a winning grin. "I'm kidding; I'll go get a change of clothes. Will you watch her for me?"

The latter was already taking the pregnant dog gently from him, and in a moment the man was shooed upstairs to freshen up a little. There was a pawing at Aerith's foot, and she looked down to find a rather dejected Squall staring up at her imploringly.

"Sorry, honey. You know what your master said."

Squall slunk under the couch to sulk some more, as Cloud the dog nipped at the air above its mistress' bow in a show of impatience for being carried around so much.

* * *

"…you listening, yo?"

"Hmm?" Zack blinked distractedly before turning to face the unkempt redhead before him. Reno twitched irritably in response.

"The heck is up with you, yo? That's the fifth time you spaced out! What's up with you, anyway?"

"Sorry, Reno," and Aerith slid a glass of water across the table for their house guest as she gently broke in. "He's a little…occupied these days."

"…oh yeah," Zack agreed happily, his eyes glazing over once more as he reentered a dreamy state. Reno made an impatient noise in his throat as he brought a hand up to whack his forehead in exasperation.

"This is stupid, yo! _Forget_ the verbal report; I'll just get somebody to freakin' _mail_ it to you on paper, yo!"

As Aerith retreated to the living room with two small tin bowls of water, Reno leveled a stare at the deliriously content Zack. Then he extended a hand and snapped his fingers in front of the man's eyes to achieve instantaneous results. Zack blinked and turned back to him again.

"…alright, spill."

"What do you mean?"

"What's got you like this, yo? You were all come-give-me-that-report-I-beg-of-you three weeks ago; now you're fluttering like someone's spiking your drinks! I wanna know what's going on, yo."

"…would you?" and with the challenging tone in his voice, Zack was smirking.

"_Yes_, yo. The ride here wasn't cheap, and I want my travel fee's worth, yo."

"Aw, it's nothing much, really…" Zack drawled casually. He leant back with a smug air, as Reno decided to take a drink from his glass. "Just that my little Cloud grew up and got laid while I was gone, and is soon to be a mommy."

The glass slammed back onto the table abruptly as Reno spat his water out in a display of utter shock. Zack was narrowly saved from the onslaught by the fact that he was seated out of range, and he waited patiently as Reno coughed, face turning a shade to rival his hair.

"_What the hell, yo?!_"

"I _know_, innit?" Zack agreed with ease, his expression earnest as his head bobbed up and down enthusiastically. "Who'd have thought Squall the walking enigma was such a thoroughbred horn dog?"

"Aerith?" Leon suddenly called as he appeared at the doorway leading into the kitchen. His jacket and shirt were gone, his gloves were caked in a slimy substance of indiscernible origins, and his bare torso was soaked with sweat. "Do you have any lubricant? The opening's a pretty tight fit."

"There should be some in the storage closet," Aerith replied somewhere out of sight in the living room beyond. "Give me a minute; I'll get it for you."

"Please hurry; Cloud's about ready to throw a fit with holding everything in down there." This earned a good-natured, knowing laugh, which was soon followed by the sound of objects being moved. Leon turned, looked into the kitchen, and then to the two occupants within. He looked from to the other, and finally raised a brow as he adopted an odd expression.

"…why is Reno gawking at me like I just violently assaulted Winnie the Pooh?"

* * *

Another three weeks lit on pass, and the misunderstandings still refused to clear. Yuffie was on an all-out "fangirl" high as it was, which left many a youngster helplessly confused, and many an adult questioning how on earth that was even physically possible.

Only a percentage of the restoration committee were in on the truth, and they were but a minority compared to the blissfully ignorant populace that they served. So as it was, both Leon and Cloud had taken to hiding out with other committee members to avoid anything unnecessary playing out.

Thus, Cloud found himself assisting Cid and his two apprentices in the garage. While Jim was mercifully silent despite his open mortification, the incoherent and very frustrated Pride was rattling on in his own odd language – that still no one was able to interpret – as he vainly attempted to correct the "sweet little missy" way – as Cid had tactfully put it – that Cloud was tinkering with the paneling near the gas tank.

It left Cloud almost missing the presence of that small white long-eared ball of fluffy Babel fish annoyance that had shown up with two kids and two men – only to disappear again – at some point in their history…

_Almost_.

"Fine, I get it. Now shut up and hand me a spanner."

The boy fell silent as he studied the bolt Cloud held in place, then turned and fetched a wrench of the right configuration. With a nod of approval, Cloud resumed his work. Behind him, Jim started his daily session of coaching Pride on word-item association, as Morph helpfully provided visuals.

The silence was soon filled comfortably enough with noun after noun. Cloud welcomed it – it was a lot better than being insulted on the assumable lines of how he "screwed like a girl" by an old cranky man and a kid ten years younger than himself.

That just sounded so…_wrong_.

* * *

Zack wasn't all too sure when he had decided to take his nap, but he promptly snapped awake at the sound of something relatively alien to his ears. Then he heard it again, and bolted upright. He looked down, and around, until at last he homed in on the source of the odd noises that had roused him from his light doze.

"… Cloud? Baby, are you okay?"

All he got as a response was a restless groan, and the light gold dog went back to pacing and making uncomfortable noises. Zack watched her for a while, clueless and curious, as she continued to pace and circle the living room. All the while, the dog looked more and more uncomfortable.

Then everything clicked into place, and Zack's eyes were as wide as saucers within half a second.

"… _OH MY GIDDY AUNT!!" _And with a hellish yell, he threw himself off the couch – shocking Squall who was still located under it – and sped out the door in a blind panic.

As he disappeared down the street, Squall crawled out of its hiding spot and stared curiously at Cloud the dog. The distressed female glowered back with a look so withering, the male felt quite certain it'd never cause its mate or any other to conceive again.

Wisely, it slipped back under the couch and stayed there to wait for hell to finish freezing over.

* * *

"Drill bit," the boy automatically stated, as Morph assumed the shape of said item. At an encouraging nod from Jim, he continued to list items according to what Morph showed him. "Camera. Turret. Lance. Ship. Frickin' Bloody Idiot."

Cloud snorted with amusement at the ignorant boy's association of Cid with his soon-to-be-trademarked bark at anyone and everyone half the time he was in public. At the other end of the gummi ship, he could hear the crusty old man mumble something in response that was just a little out of earshot.

Suddenly, the relative peace was shattered like glass as a terrible holler rang through the air, causing everyone to look up in surprise. There was a black-topped blur that came into view for a bare few seconds before it surged on pass, still screaming hysterically. Cloud could only assume he identified the person correctly…and then, with the next exclamation, _knew_ he identified the person correctly.

"_I NEED REINFORCEMENTS!!_" the blur had shrieked. "_**CLOUD IS GOING INTO LABOR!!**_"

Cid sputtered, the toothpick he had been chewing on sent flying until it skewered itself on a piece of paper at the workbench. Morph turned into a large, screaming red question mark before popping into little scarlet balls. Jim blanched and tumbled off the top of the ship in his moment of shock. Pride swerved around to stare openly and curiously at an exasperated Cloud, and the blond wondered if the poor confused boy had any idea what was going on.

He was answered a second later as the youngster's wide eyes lowered to fixate themselves pointedly at Cloud's abdomen. Cloud flushed a red so furious, the many little floating balls that were Morph seemed to pale in comparison.

"_**NOT ME!**_" he snapped, and the boy dove for cover as the spanner Cloud had been using came flying right at him in an act of wrath. The improvised weapon could be heard hitting the ceiling and landed somewhere else with a chaotic sequence of clattering as he turned around and marched swiftly out of the garage.

Pulling out his mobile phone, Cloud aimed a few well-placed glares at the stunned and gaping public as he dialed a number and held the receiver up. Within a few seconds, the recipient answered the summons.

"…**Strife."**

"Leonhart. We have trouble."

"**I know. Zack just showed up and won't leave."** This statement piqued Cloud's interest.

"…you're at the clinic?"

"**Unfortunately. Did you know our dear doctor here can snap a hypodermic needle with his little finger if you shock him enough out of his concentration?"**

"You sound irritated."

"**I would be – that was my routine immunization shot he was about to give me."** In the background, Cloud could hear a ruckus that was Zack hollering for help and Dr. Teo sputtering in his native dialect. **"How soon can you get over here? I think we'll have to pry Zack off with a crowbar pretty soon."**

"I'm on my way from Cid's garage. Anything else I should find?"

"**Either a certified psychotherapist, or Teo's wife."**

"I'll find Maya, then. Hang tight."

* * *

Eventually, it took the combined effort of the forceful dojo instructor, the exasperated doctor, and both Leon and Cloud to bodily heave Zack out of the clinic with an understanding that dogs did not usually deliver their offspring in hospitals meant for people.

It took a little more and some determination to drag him back down the street toward his home. And all the while, Zack continued to ramble about how his precious Cloud – the dog, of course – was in dire need of assistance for the change in her condition.

"_She was in PAIN! She was in MISERY! She was ready to collapse from the sheer agony of it all! She needed help, and I need to get it to her! She's in a desperate situation! She-_"

"She's done," Aerith helpfully informed from the doorway. Zack stopped fighting so abruptly that Leon and Cloud's combined force sent him flying onto his front steps.

"…come again?"

"After you left, I opened up all the rooms so she could find somewhere that gave her the most security, and just let her handle things from there."

Both Leon and Cloud looked rather intrigued, as Zack collapsed with relief.

"So…can we ask where…?"

"In the closet, and on top of Zack's SOLDIER uniform." And Zack's head snapped back up.

"Which class?"

"Second."

"Cloud pooped out puppies onto my Second Class SOLDIER uniform keepsake?!" and Zack made a strangled noise as he flailed. "B-b-b-but that one has sentimental value! It wasn't a conformed uniform – it was custom! It was BLUE!"

"Not anymore, now that she's done with it," Tifa commented dryly from somewhere in the house. Further in and out of sight, they could hear Yuffie squealing happily about something. Probably the new arrivals. As the three men prepared to enter and see for themselves, Tifa came forward and stopped Zack with a well-meaning hand.

"Before you go in there, I think it's best to warn you… Zack, I don't know how well you're going to take this-" Zack's face promptly fell before she could continue.

"Aw, c'mon, don't tell me. One of them is dead. Cloud's dead, or Cloud's baby is dead. I should have known. I should have been there-"

"They're _fine_. Calm down," Tifa interrupted, and Zack found himself on the receiving end of a few good smacks on the head. "It's about the puppies themselves – _and they're all in good health_."

"Ah…so what about them?"

"Well…" Tifa paused dramatically as she chewed on her lip for a moment. "… Congratulations, Zack; your dogs are now parents to thirteen."

And Zack hit the front steps again as he passed out. Leon's brows had disappeared right into his fringe, and Cloud was smirking.

"…thirteen," Leon commented with a hint of awe.

"…someone has really good aim," Cloud concurred. The sentiment seemed shared, as Tifa stepped back and let them in.

"You two go ahead and goggle; we'll drag their 'grandpa' in and wait for him to wake up."

Obliging, the two warriors made their way to the closet – and pass the couch that a nervous Squall remained hidden under – where Yuffie was cooing over its residents. Standing directly behind her and looking over, they finally took in the sight of the exhausted mother, and the mass of color that milled near her belly in a desperate and endless quest for sustenance.

"…wow, there sure are a lot of them."

Yuffie looked up, grinning from ear to ear. In her lap was a puppy wrapped in a towel, and in her hand was a small bottle filled with white formula.

"Aerith said we'd need to help feed all these guys, since there are so many," she informed, the puppy in her lap squeaking in demand as it tugged impatiently at the rubber teat. "There's a couple more bottles over there; go grab 'em."

Soon, the two of them were seated cross-legged on the floor as well, watching morosely as the tiny bundles of fur swaddled in towels drank greedily.

"Night shift's going to be hell," the scarred fighter commented, as Yuffie momentarily disappeared to get the rest of the formula from the kitchen. Cloud snorted.

"You can have it; I'd like my rest, thanks."

"You're such a callous mother, _Cloud_," Leon suddenly joked.

"Well, it's your own fault for impregnating me, _Squall_," Cloud retorted evenly.

In their arms, the tiny beings remained blissfully unaware.

_**

* * *

Ah yes. The puppies at last. Hoorah for little bundles of joy that stain carpets, tear up upholstery, ruin once orderly schedules for daily living, leave exhausted owners on the verge of snapping…but remain, indeed, a truly beautiful treasure of new life.**_


	3. The Last Punchline

_Thanks for your patience with this chapter, one and all. This one has kept my hands tied for a while, and I'm almost relieved to have it up...almost._

_At a request from Howling, this chapter features elements from Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle ( she also wanted a TRC version of events, which I've yet to finish drafting, never mind actually write ). My apologies to those unfamiliar with the manga/anime series.  
_

* * *

"Vincent," Leon repeated firmly. "Let go of my leg."

The dark-haired individual once more refused to comply, and Leon was thankful for the distraction that was his mobile vibrating in his pocket. Pulling it out, he flipped it open and pressed a button.

"Hello? ...oh, Sora. I see you figured out the cross-world connection... Ah... Bring it over; we'll process it through Tron-what thumping?" Leon paused, and looked around the general area. Then he spotted the source and merely raised a brow, despite the fact that Sora would not see it.

"Don't worry about it; we'll see you in a moment... No, everything's fine, really," he assured again with a good level of practiced patience, "Vincent's just humping everything in sight, and Cloud and Sephiroth are banging each other's brains out on the floor again-hello? Sora?"

All he heard was a series of ruckus that sounded like Sora freaking out and calling in immediate dispatch before the dial tone came back, and he huffed with amusement.

_Oh, right – he doesn't know about the puppies yet._

"Sephiroth, you leave your mother's head alone. Genesis, you get off Angeal at once. Vincent, remove yourself from Leon's leg," Zack rattled off automatically, pointing at each one as he addressed it. Then, in the wake of being absolutely ignored by one and all, he merely grinned and knocked the sides of two large metal bowls together.

"Okay then: who's _hungry_?" he sang out. The results were instantaneous, as a sea of colors and shades surged forward in a chaotic mess of shrill, excited yipping.

The small, long-haired silver brindle that was Sephiroth head-butted Cloud the dog one more time, yipped sharply, and bounded off to secure its own share of food; the tired dam looked relieved to see its demanding offspring go.

The pair of pups that were Genesis and Angeal - their colors of solid red and black respectively - disentangled themselves from one another and bolted toward the dishes as well.

The black and tan puppy that was Vincent hugged Leon's leg affectionately for a final time, before an insistent hand shooed it away to eat.

At last left with his dignity intact, Leon looked down at the near-flattened mess that was a rather tired sire. Taking in Squall's appearance, he cast another glance back at the mass of color that swarmed over the bowls Zack barely set down.

"Quite an assortment you've managed there," he couldn't help but quip. All he got was a snort in answer before he continued. "Four silvers, two blacks, two reds, two tans, one black and tan, one tuxedo...and not a single one of them is brown or gold. Just how in the world did you achieve this?"

With an exhausted grunt, Squall leveled an exasperated look that seemed to say "don't judge me" before slinking back under the couch in vain hope of hiding from his many offspring. As puppies milled around both bowls - tails whipping back and forth as they chomped down puppy kibble - Zack dutifully started counting them again.

"...seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve...twelve..." then he looked up pointedly back at Leon. "One short."

"...oh. Right." Leon lifted a corner of his jacket, and slipped his hand in. "Wake up, kiddo. Chow time."

The hand reemerged with the thirteenth - and smallest - puppy snuggled into the palm, its fur a dark sable. As it was removed from the warm depths, it finally twitched, lifted its head and yawned widely. Leon got up from his seat, made his way toward one of the less busy dishes, and carefully wedged out a spot for his little passenger. A moment later, the puppy clambered down to eat as well.

"Zack?" Leon suddenly brought up, straightening as he watched the small critters fill their bellies. "How much longer until they're ready to leave?"

His third round of counting brought halted, Zack looked up to answer the question: "Just until the middle of next week, actually."

"Finally, huh?"

"I know," and Zack sighed wistfully as he looked upon the puppies. "These guys grow up so _fast_...!"

"Not fast enough," Leon muttered under his breath - from his frequented refuge under the sofa, Squall seemed to agree - "How many takers do you have?"

The response was delayed by two seconds as Zack pulled out a folded bit of paper to look at. "Let's see... Cid's taking Rocket, Yuffie wants Shelke and Vincent, Dr. Teo and Maya agreed to take Genesis and Sephiroth, the guys back in Midgar will come pick up Verdot and Cissnei...oh, and Riku and Kairi had Fido reserved as Sora's surprise gift."

"That's just eight of them," the brunet pointed out in a moment.

"I talked with Aerith; we'll be keeping Angeal, Kadaj, Yazoo and Loz with us," Zack clarified. "That leaves just the little guy."

"What little... Oh."

Leon looked back down at the small dark sable pup that was squeezing against its larger litter mates for its fair share. Zack was watching it as well, and then he looked up to study the brunet's expression.

"... You should keep him," at Leon's odd look, he reaffirmed his statement. "Come on, he loves you! Every time I turn around, he's curled up in your jacket again! Besides, he's quiet, he's low-maintenance...and he's pocket-sized?"

"We've been through this, Zack. I've already agreed to take Squall in until things settle down, and that alone is stretching it," Leon countered firmly. "I don't need a dog, never mind two; it's the Garden I'm concerned with."

As though to punctuate the restoration leader's words, his mobile vibrated again, and he pulled it out this time to read a text message.

"... Syaoran's group is back in town; I'd better see what they need this time," he muttered blandly, already stuffing the phone back in his pocket as he strode away. "Hyne is mocking me if another one of those confounded feathers came here...!"

"Go get 'em, tiger."

With but a grunt of acknowledgment, Leon strode across the room and out of the homestead. Under the sofa, Squall perked once more, slipped from his cover and followed the man right through the door. Passing them by, Tifa stared oddly at the back of Leon's jacket for a moment, at last stepping in to take the next watch.

"Zack?" she asked carefully, not noticing the knowing grin on the man's face, "were you planning on telling him that he has a puppy climbing his belts?"

"He take 'em," was the scheming man's sly reply, "he keep 'em."

It did not take the bartender more time than necessary to catch on. With a helpless laugh, she jabbed an accusing finger his way as she commented, "Are you _that_ hasty with shipping this lot?"

"I love them, and I care for them very deeply," Zack stated with sincerity, "but as long as they're here, this carpet won't get fumigated."

"Children have to grow up and leave the nest sometime, huh?"

Out came Zack's thumb and index at once, in emphasis to his single point at hand: "_Exactly_."

Down by their master's feet, one of the remaining twelve pups looked up, a queer expression on its face and its still floppy ears twitching. At last, this pup that was aptly dubbed "Yazoo" turned to regard its golden dam.

_... Mother, I think I smell the winds of change again._

_No, son, that's just your rear end,_ Cloud the dog answered drowsily. _Now finish your dinner and let me sleep._

_Yes, Mother._

* * *

Things had been so easy only a moment ago; true, the reappearance of the same group that sent everyone scaling for high ground only so very long ago had been initially unnerving, but once an understanding was reached amongst them - that being finding the source of "strange power" in the area, confirming what it was and overall not causing too big a fuss - talk had come much easier.

It had not been all that hard to grow fond of the inherently sincere youth that first time - determination for success, devotion to ancient history and all - and their more recent discussions had even proved fruitful to an extent. That was, of course, before things started to get out of hand...

"...and in this area, there-" Leon was abruptly interrupted as a loud, authoritative bark resounded behind him, just as his finger had landed over the location of the Garden's new power plant. Within the moment, all five visitors looked around the unmoving leader to find the familiar brown dog that stood there, its expression rather put off.

"... My, my! It's Mr. Small-Puppy all grown up now! Hello-o-o-o-o!" at the blond mage's jovial greeting, both Syaoran - the constant other recipient of that title - and Leon - the indirect recipient via association - collectively sent their palms to their faces with a unanimous, tired groan. The addressed dog waved its tail politely in response, and then barked again at Leon's back.

"Not now, Squall," the brunet leader replied in a low, controlled tone. As he felt teeth take hold of his pant leg and tug sharply, a growl escaped him. "I mean it. Go back to Zack's house."

With an insistent grunt, Squall this time reared up on its hind legs, seized the intersection between Leon's crossed belts and yanked sharply. Any word of reprimand quickly fled the assaulted man as a small yelp punctuated the air crisply. A weight he had barely noticed beforehand came loose at once, and when Squall at last moved around his legs to stand before him...

"... Ah."

A strange silence filled the room as Leon stared down at the dog named after him. The dog stared right back, and held securely in its jaws was the runt of its very large litter, the sable pup crying out several protests as overly large paws swiped furiously at the air in vigorous cycling motions. There was no fiercer, more defiant way for the ironically petite animal to demand of its much larger sire, "_RAWR! Lemme go, dammit!_".

The tension that had so choked the atmosphere suddenly shattered into a million brittle pieces as the white ball of fluff that was their translator doubled over in hysterical laughter. Five pairs of eyes looked upon it with matching expressions of puzzlement, but it took moments longer for their answer to finally come.

"It's Kuro-wa-a-a-a-an!" the stuffed ball that was Mokona shrieked in mirth, the appendage-less rounded limb pointing out the still struggling puppy. "It's the smallest Kuro-wan in existence!"

And the original "Kuro-wan" - easily the tallest and darkest figure in the room - did not find it humorous at all. His blond counterpart, on the other hand, found it verily so.

"Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle! That really takes another off _my_ list!"

At last did Leon turn to regard the seething ninja, his brow slowly arching to emphasize an odd look as he queried: "...do I want to know?"

"_No_," was the snarled answer. In a swift "click" and a shine of metal in the light, his long sword revealed but a sliver of its blade. "... I need to hurt something."

"We'll discuss the damage fees later; meanwhile, same house as last time, same jobs as last time. Excuse me..."

With that, Leon beat a hasty retreat from the area - followed quickly after by Squall and his dangling pup - as the entire room exploded into an assortment of crashes, highly vulgar demands for blood-spilling, mocking cries with the intention of baiting, and nervous requests for truce. Only once did the irked leader pause, and that was to address one of the shell-shocked onlookers.

"Find Yuffie and tell her to meet me in the castle library," - a loud ruckus that was the shattering of something fragile echoed behind them - "...preferably as soon as possible."

"...yes, sir."

* * *

"Hyne. Is. Mocking. Me," was the declaration for the fifth time and counting. A soft grunt, and Leon only needed a moment to look down and amend his verdict in the slightest. "... Hyne is _really _mocking me."

The bronze mixed breed that was Squall was a lop-eared countenance of disapproval, as it sat back on haunches with its retrieved pup dangling from a careful hold on its scruff. As said pup whined many complaints at its protective sire, Leon firmly pinched the bridge of his nose as he felt the onset of another headache. At last, his saving grace was heralded by the loud patter of feet.

"In here, Yuff," he called out, and was swiftly rewarded by the entrance of the self-proclaimed Great Ninja. Catching sight of the two dogs beside him, her own expression was incredulous.

"I thought you said-"

"Exactly. I still don't," he answered at once, before gesturing back at the pair. "Do something about them."

"No can do, chief," was her own reply, her stance firm. "I like 'em, sure, but I've already got my hands full with introducing two puppies into a house that crawls with cats. And _you_ agreed to take your furry other there."

"I _will_, but can't you at least take that smaller one-"

"Snowball's chance in hell, Leon; sorry." -a momentary glance back at the stoic sire, and she smirked- "Besides, Daddy Squall there doesn't look ready to let go yet."

"Thanks a lot," was Leon's tired murmur, as he at last ceded to his fate. Sensing the dissipating conflict, Squall at last settled down, and placed the puppy upon the ground. At once, the small streak of sable dashed across the tiles, soon back to tugging happily at the cuffs of Leon's trousers.

Falling in love with the sight, Yuffie looked up at the older man again. "Are you sure you really don't want to-"

"I hate repeating myself, so don't make me," he cut her off tersely. Easily shaking puppy teeth loose, he stepped around the yipping fur ball to disappear around one of the many bookshelves. "Either way, the sooner I find out what is causing that power surge Mokona detected, the sooner we get some peace around here."

"... So what do you want _me_ to do?"

"Watch these dogs, make sure they don't bother me, and if anyone calls, tell them I'm on hold for the rest of the day. Starting now."

The sentence was ended - and punctuated - by the firm click of a door shutting and locking. At last, Yuffie turned to look upon the pair of father and son, as the pup now took an interest in attempting to permanently straighten one of its sire's ears. As she squatted before them, Squall aimed a tired look at her, head forced into a tilt by his accommodation of the small one.

"Don't worry - you were named after our resident softy for a reason," she assured, patting a bronze head twice. "He'll come around yet."

At last did the puppy let go, little jaws agape in a wide yawn. Sniffing sleepily, it soon found its sire's midsection, circled a few times, then curled up and went to sleep. As Squall took the cue to at last get some shuteye as well, a thought occurred to their overseer, and she approached the locked door quickly.

"Have you even named the little guy?"

"I said I'm not keeping him, so why would I?" was the echoed snappy retort. "Now let me work."

"... Can _I_ name him, then?"

"Whatever!" was the - rather predictable - answer. With a huff, Yuffie turned to look upon the furry pair once more. She thought long and hard, thinking of a good name to give this one - a grand, flashy name that would more than compensate for its small stature, hopefully.

Just as a smirk crept upon her face with her decision, her mobile handset vibrated in her pocket. A semi-pricked ear barely twitched once as she pulled it out to answer the call.

"Hello? Oh, Cloud! What's up? ...no can do - he's held up for the rest of the day... That's what he said... _Yes_..."

On the other end, the blond fighter seemed to find the notion unbelievable, and pressed the issue further. As the ninja kept listening and kept losing her patience, she finally decided to pull the newest card to her deck.

"Oh, _fine_! You want to know exactly what's going on in here? I'll _tell_ you exactly what going's on in here!" she snapped into the phone. "As we speak right now, I'm sitting on top of a desk, and I'm watching Squall sleep with Twenty Different Men! How about _that_?!"

On the other end, there was a loud clatter that could be interpreted in any way known to humanity. With a sly grin, Yuffie stared down at the newly dubbed pup that remained curled at its sire's belly. She could not have picked a better name, indeed...

* * *

_My thanks to Flypipe for the hilarious name choice for the previously unnamed thirteenth puppy. You're truly a comedy genius when you try, lad._

_Additional Notice:_

_As of now, SquallxCloud OTP is considered done. No more In-Progress for this one here...  
_

_I realize joke series are funniest when I leave them at a maximum of 2 chapters; 3 chapters can become a struggle if I don't have enough fuel in the motor for that final stretch. So...if you'd like to see any further installments for this mini adventure, please send me suggestions alongside your review. The more I get to work with, the better my chances of a new chapter._

_Well, thanks for stopping by.  
_


	4. It's a Dog's Life

I apologize for jumping the gun; and you can thank Howling WereWolf for this chapter. I don't know what amazes me more - how both Howling and Fly manage to stalk my accounts for fiction despite their hectic schedules...or the thought that they're actually keeping track of everything...!

While I was serious about ending off with the third chapter, Howling wasn't happy - she pointed out that it wasn't exactly a good way to end a SquallxCloud pairing with the idea of Squall sleeping with Twenty Different Men; "just doesn't mesh", she said. Now that I think about it...she's actually right - that could also explain why I wasn't all that satisfied with the last chapter either...

Well, either way, here's a bonus epilogue for all of you. Thanks for all your feedback regarding this series, and I'll be glad for any further suggestions you can send in! And thanks for dropping by again.

* * *

_The house was covered in kids. Kids from wall to wall. Kids packed so close together, there was no such thing as a personal space amongst them anymore._

_Thirteen kids in one family. In one sitting. And the grand performer of that feat now hastily entered the house, slammed the door shut and locked it with every last bolt that was provided._

_Closest to said door - wide eyes watching as the adult before him stood there looking deathly pale - Vincent tilted his head curiously as he asked, "... Mom? What's going on?"_

_Cloud was quick to shush the child with a finger to lips and bared teeth, even as one eye dared a glance through the peephole. More children started to gather, all curious and a little concerned._

_"... Mom?"_

_"Keep it down!" was the hissed reply at last, even as the blond dove for cover under a coffee table. "Your father wants to have sex with me!"_

_One of the four silver-haired youngsters paused, looking rightfully chagrined at his parent. "... _What_?!"_

_"Don't ask rhetorical questions, Sephiroth," Cloud lectured automatically, despite staying put below the table. "It's where babies come from - I told you that."_

_"Why is Dad-?"_

_"How would _I _know? Anything goes these days..." Cloud grumbled, eyes darting back and forth in a fit of paranoia. "...is he out there?"_

_The pair that were Angeal and Genesis paused their sibling scuffle long enough for Genesis to climb atop Angeal's shoulders and peek out the peephole._

_"I don't see him, Mom..." At the blond's sigh of relief, the young red-head could not help but query, "Is Dad really that persistent when he tries?"_

_Solemn blue eyes regarded the innocent kids before him. Innocence...that was about to die tragically as Cloud at last gave the best example possible:_

_"See that couch over there? You kids were conceived on the left seat."_

_In a loud chaotic instant, Verdot, Cissnei, Rocket and Shelke leaped a few good feet away from the vicinity of the couch with varying levels of horror._

_"... All of us?!"_

_"All of you. Your father has really good aim when he tries-" The "educational" talk came to an abrupt end when the neglected back door was suddenly thrown open, and the smug, predatory form that was Squall surged in like an entity right out of the Dark Side._

_"I'm gonna get'cha, sucker...!"_

_"For the love of _Gaia_-you have _thirteen _kids! _THIRTEEN_! What else in Hyne's sullied name do you want from me?!" Cloud's loud protests went mostly ignored, and the floorboards shrieked as fingers clawed at them for purchase. "DAMN IT, SQUA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-ALL!"_

_Said father of thirteen children regarded them all now, as he paused in dragging the blond back outside. His grin...did not bode well. Neither did his words:_

_"...start thinking up baby names, kids."_

_And in another moment punctuated by chaotic cursing, the door slammed shut after the pair, leaving behind a very large group of very confused, very disturbed kids..._

* * *

Brass-colored eyes snapped into view as the mixed breed awoke abruptly from what it could only deem a very strange, very disturbing dream. Probably a nightmare, even, if you could call it one... One lopped ear swiveled in the direction of a soft whine, and Squall turned its head slightly, taking in once more the small curled up form that was the smallest of the litter.

The puppy fussed a little longer, but remained blissfully asleep, snuggled against its sire's belly. Relieved at not having to deal with a cranky offspring, Squall settled down once more, ears flattening against its skull as it found itself still too bothered by the dream to get back to sleep.

It, its mate and their litter as humans...too scary to even comprehend...

The moment ended abruptly with the loud bang of a door, followed by the thundering footsteps of one greatly incensed. With a startled yip, Twenty woke up at once, eyes wide open as a small dark head looked back and forth in desperate hunt for the cause of the noise.

As Cloud Strife - the man the puppy's dam was named after - entered the library with even greater commotion, dark sable fur flew behind the bronze body for some semblance of cover. Ignoring both pup and dog, the fighter marched right up to the locked door and pounded on its surface.

"I said I'm busy-"

"Open this door right now, Leonhart, before I break it down myself," the blond threatened at once with a low growl. "And you know just how well I can do it."

There was a definite pause, and Squall's ears twitched as the scuffling of the man rising from his place was picked up by its keen hearing. It took a tense moment more before the door swung open to reveal a tired and rather exasperated Leon.

"Just what is it-?" The question was cut off instantly as the blond suddenly shoved the other backwards and marched right into the small study. Even within the supposedly sound-proof interior of the study, the heated argument carried through easily enough.

"Leonhart, I've spent _weeks_ dealing with the illogical confusion regarding you impregnating me, _weeks_ more about giving bloody birth to _thirteen_ of your demon spawn, and I'm up to _here_ with everything right about now. This...this is the last thing I need."

"...'last' thing?"

"What is this about twenty different men that you're not telling me?"

"Twenty _what?_ Strife, I don't know what you're..._damn it_...!" And at once, Leon discovered _exactly_ what Yuffie had done following his careless response of "Whatever". "_YUFFIE!_"

"Won't be coming back for a while yet," Cloud growled in reply. "It's just you and me for a nice, long while..."

"And just what are you-_HEY_!"

At last, Twenty sneaked a glance out from its hiding spot, and proceed to tilt its head in confusion at the ruckus that was taking place. A moment later, it flopped back to the floor as its sire righted, sitting upon haunches to better view the chaos as well.

Ears kept twitching back and forth in a dilemma of expressions as Squall watched the sight of two grown men finally venting weeks after weeks of pent up frustration regarding things that was neither one's fault...

And all at once, those lopped ears flattened so far back against Squall's skull, they unfolded to do so. As the mixed breed took in what was going on next, it could not help but feel justified for its reaction toward the earlier dream.

What these humans - these two _male_ humans - were doing to each other right now...what they did when they thought no one knew better... That was just downright _unnatural_.

_...come here, son,_ It at last beckoned to its young offspring. _Your eyes shouldn't see this. Mine shouldn't, either._

Blissfully clueless, Twenty copied its father's sitting manner, even as a large paw had enveloped its snout and effectively blocked its immediate vision. _... Pa? How come I can hear fabric stretching?_

_Just keep your eyes closed, son..._ was the tired sire's answer.  
_  
Yes, Pa.

* * *

_And with that, I sign off once more.

Hope you had fun reading.


End file.
